She carefully powders her face with her left hand. Chalk white minute beads covered her wrinkled skin concealing the age with temporary youthful skin. Lipstick placed on her rosy cracked lips to bold the fading radiant beauty that slips away with time. Once upon a time, this was the lips that many boys wanted to secretly kiss. But everything has changed now. Years have come and gone. Lanterns on the porch exchange the joyous greeting from old friends and relatives who have dropped by. She places the final touches on her face and soon tells me to help her out of her room. Closing the door behind me, I pushed my grandmother’s wheelchair into the living room.

Part 2

The television blared with loud Cantonese spluttering from the speakers. An old relative’s laughter filled the room accompanied with a few chuckles. She grinned and was filled with life that age has failed to rob from her.  An auntie came out an complimented the auntie’s laughter calling it infectious. He looked into her eyes with so much love, proud that she was his wife.

I think these were the few picturesque moments during the few days celebrating the Chinese New Year for now. I had it stuck in my mind the whole day because I wanted to share it with someone.

***

On other matters, I received my AS History resit results. And Praise God! I got “back”  at History.  In retrospect, there is a tinge of disappointment that I did not get this result earlier. Torrents of “what if” questions haunt my mind. What if this was what I lacked from being “fished out” from the Cambridge pool? What if I got my full As and got the offer from Kings? The ideal university that I thought that I had a shot at getting into? What if I didn’t sink in such a low state and maybe just maybe, so many things would be undone. Even us.

As of now, it is impossible to turn back time. There’s only the future to look forward to and plan for. I think this was a priceless humbling experience. Learning that I am always vulnerable, basking in God’s grace and  in a never ending quest of learning and uncovering personal truths and beliefs.

I barely have any in-depth knowledge in theology or even Christianity so I think the best is to keep my mouth sealed on the matter until I feel that I have gained sufficient knowledge. I think this applies to most parts of my life now. Religion, politics, love. Yet I do have to say that actions speak louder than words and if you are to profess something, do try your best to uphold your beliefs.

Everything I know and believe in has shifted (either drastically or slightly) in a way or another. I hope this is a sign of growth as I join the multitudes of other people who try to grapple with life and the art of reasoning.

And also the other thousand who crack their brains to solve Maths questions.

I caught myself scrolling down the Machines website as I estimated my budget of what’s left in the Lily Fund if I were to “invest” in an iPad. Ironically, I just finished a chapter of Naomi Klien’s No Logo which was discussing on identity marketing and the evils companies that try to convert you into some mindless consumer. No biggie. Usually I’m quite a thrifty person. As evidence, I don’t buy tech gadgets (everything is a hand-me-down or some random lucky draw prize with the exception of my Nokia N79) nor do I purchase loads of dresses. On top of that, I cringe at fashion magazines that perpetuate the message that beauty (with make up) is the sole purpose in life. No, I do not think that being a “buyer” makes me a victim but I refuse to become some minion/free advertising kit to some conglomerate/company. Cigarettes.  Any form of addiction. But really, an iPad would make my life much easier. But do I really need it to get any easier?

A possible easier life in a not so far future.

So I do believe that most of us have barely survived the Industrial Revolution without being converted into a Mindless Consumer. But even being aware of this potential disorder, there’s this constant desire raging inside me to “buy all the things”. :/ Hmmph.

This is such a lousy post but I had to get it off my mind.

Unfortunately I just got rejected. My eyes searched high and low for any words in the paragraphs of sentences to end my days of endless waiting. Then it hit me. A sharp pang of disappointment met with a sigh. It was over.  I expected myself to sob or cry but I didn’t. Maybe the fact that it was all so sudden buffered myself from the fall into a pit of days of mourning.

Then I recalled that I mentioned in a few posts ago that I would let His will be done. I’m glad that I did left it in God’s hands. And now it does feel as if as His arms are wrapped around me to protect me from any negative thoughts and prolonged disappointment.

There’s just so much more to life. (:

I think the highlight for today was the part  where I was silently listening to the running tips that were given that were really applicable to life. The little steps in the beginning of the race to help you again momentum. Never losing your gaze on the end of the track. Finishing strong. These are life lessons which can only be learn and appreciated through the gift of experience.

I cannot deny that this few days will be tough. Especially with results flooding in only to meet with the input given. An economics joke would be that life does not have a multipler (K) so there will not be a multiplied increase in output/income with the little work done. You reap what you sow. Yet with the horrible joke aside, the cup that Shu Han gave to me a few years ago has a message to comfort my “damaged pride”.

Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.

Yet I still believe. A few days ago I wrote on my wall, “To feed my mind, give me logic. To feed my soul, give me faith.” Indeed for me seems to represent my faith right now. My brain my sometimes question the belief and yet my heart clings on to the vestiges of faith left. My heart would definitely bend in and break into a million pieces and my soul will turn into an empty vessel if I forsake my belief. So I believe because I want to. Because I choose to.

These few days of uncertainty would be extremely challenging as I would need to conceal and push away my own ambitions and dreams to allow His will to be done. It is so difficult to just think about the amount of commitment and struggle that I have gone through only to leave it to the unknown. Yet isn’t this unknown according to my faith, God?

I feel a bit like Peter now. In a boat rocking in a  raging sea, stuck in a storm. The screaming wind calling me to take the leap. To let go.

To let His will be done.

Let Your will be done.

1. At least 3A*s for the A Levels examination – I have always taken some pride in my academics. At least till the recent few exams which totally destroyed my poor morale to study. Nonetheless, I would have to say that most of the time, I study with an inquisitive mind. My not so visible brows will knit together as I try to understand things of various fields. A bit of a nerd, I love the moment of triumphant when my mind clicks and the flow of logic and reasoning falls in to place. That’s why I am quite sadden by the fact that so many people do not read and bask in the love of knowledge. Some take their studies only for an “economic” purpose and to bring food to the table (and dresses to the wardrobe) in the not so far future. I guess this would call for a more disciplined routine. In other words, (mostly by the fervent followers of the meme world) Challenge Accepted.

2. Read more and read better (at least 2 books a month). I think the huge wake up call for 2011 was the fact that I read without analysing a lot that I was reading. My mother raised me on the potty with a book and even till today, I still read while I eat. Maybe this should also include some sort of summary of the book that I have read, like a book report? I guess that’s why I try now to abstain from being too “politically” involved. Best to know my beliefs then announce them than being a blightering person who doesn’t know what she is talking about.

3.  Be less materialistic and give more to charity. Need I say more? I guess, even for the past few weeks when I took up the mental challenge to separate myself from the love of things (other than books), I found that I saw the “joy” in the simplest of things. I appreciated more that was around me.

4. Exercise 2/3 times a week and pick up cycling.

5. Keep long hair and snip it off for charity!

Okay,  back to the History reading. I have a feeling that this author is a bit pro-US but yeah. Every man (and woman) to their free thoughts and beliefs.

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me.

Psalms 16:8

I would like to take this rather humiliating week of exams as that “rest period” for a student. Twenty minutes has passed since the Mechanics exams and I feel like utter crap. I lost my ruler and was working with my measly plastic container which held all the lead refills to my mechanical pencil. To add on to the frustration, my brain decided to run into the blank state when the test started for a good 20 minutes. My fingers ran through my short fringe as I struggled to collect my thoughts but honestly, all that I have to blame is myself. YES, it is my own fault. I have this strong urge to curse but I don’t think that would do any good at all. Let’s not even talk about the previous 2 days which were barely survivable. Tomorrow is the History paper which is probably the worst of all as I have yet to touch anything in my file.

I don’t know what disgusts me the most. Looking back at my lazy state for the last few months which has landed me in this mess would most likely top the list. It is true that the only enemy and obstruction that lies between you and success (in your inspirations/dreams) is yourself.

Even so, I need to take this all constructively and not just dwell in this rage against myself. Perhaps this is the part where I have “rested” and without any doubts, I know that I have rested enough. Time to buck up and study, woman.

It is like waking up from a dream in a sinking boat. Better to wake up than to drown when you are asleep.

2011 has been a  really tough ride. It was like riding on a bull and the animal was red-eyed mad while trying hard to buck me off.  I have taken one too many bad falls and wounded my non-existent pride. In retrospect, I have learned a whooping lot from this year noting all my Achilles heel-s. I might just be an octopus or a centipede but I doubt they have heels. To be just a bit more specific, I discovered the importance of being less instinctive and more rational, to have dreams and yet be realistic, the importance of planning a momentum/pace when accomplishing a task/goal and “art” of prioritising.

The beginning of the year stood formidable with so much of the unknown. Flashbacks with the appropriate music would be a great blockbuster. It might have been more than just pure coincidence that the sermon by the pastor was  themed “Do not be afraid”. My knees were trembling so badly throughout this year. Even so, every moment is a passing one and one that has an inevitable end.

As the end of 2011 draws closer, so many more things have happened. I have a dog, universities have finally replied with good news with the demands of good grades (I might be able to head to LOONNDDOONN *grins madly*) and most importantly, I have survived about 98% of the year! That in and of itself should be a reason to celebrate.

I hope you all had a marvellous year, learned a few lessons, got kicked in the butt a couple of times and kicked a few butts too.

God bless and have a great year ahead!